Taking care of business on the run: tips for when it just can’t wait

“You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” ~Dr. Seuss

Okay, so maybe this isn’t what the good Doctor had in mind when he wrote those lines, but this has happened to most, if not all, runners at one point or another.  Whether it’s an issue of digestive proportions, or perhaps just a case of having that last glass of water too close to departing, you’re part way through a run and you just can’t wait any longer – you have to stop to go to the bathroom.

Now, urban runners are at a bit of an advantage here – there is almost always a  washroom on the next block – be it a coffee shop, a gas station or (Heaven forbid!) a church – and someone sympathetic enough to allow you to use it.  But for us rural runners, finding a civilized place to squat isn’t always possible.

Personally, I have only ever been forced to stop by overactive kidney issues, but as a woman, it hardly matters which way you’re going, it’s hard to be discrete.  Add to that the fact that you’re dressed with the express purpose of being seen, and it becomes even more challenging.

While I admire the runners who can say, “whatever, it’s a fact of life!” (exhibit A, Paula Radcliffe; exhibit B, Reid Coolsaet), I can’t count myself among them.

So in an attempt to aid runners not as experienced with rural life, I have gathered together some tips on how to take care of business on the back roads, assembled from many discussions with runners (none of whom wanted to be named here –go figure).

Oh! The places you’ll go!

Ditches: a deep ditch seems like a great place to duck into to avoid being seen by drivers.  However, caution is advised – think about how long you’ve already been running, how much your legs might seize up when you stop, and how likely it is that you will be able to climb back out of said-ditch.  Don’t forget to look the other way too – just because a ditch is lower than the road doesn’t mean it won’t have a clear line of sight from the kitchen window of that farm house.

Deciduous forests:  at this time of year, the foliage might be rather thin. This doesn’t make the forest a bad idea – you just may want to venture further from the roadside than you would in the summer.  If you can find a tree to lean on, your quads might not seize up as badly.  Bonus: if you find a tree with a low hanging branch, you will have something to grab to pull yourself back up in the event that those quads seize more than expected.

Coniferous forests: good coverage, so you won’t have to go as far from the road. However, keep in mind that pine needles are sharp – be sure to look carefully before choosing a spot.  Also, they tend to have a lot of spiders.

Things to watch for

Poison Ivy: at this time of year it shouldn’t be that much of an issue; however, it is not worth the risk.  Learn what it looks like. Stay far away from it.

Mud: if it is raining, or has rained a lot in the last few days, mud is a possible hazard.  It’s not that your shoes might get dirty, oh no, that’s the least of your worries.  Remember that time when you were a kid, when your boot got stuck and you lost your balance and fell on your butt in the mud?  Yeah, ‘nuff said.

Water, frost or ice: if you are slipping off into a ditch or forest, use caution to avoid the literal sense of the word.

That bright yellow jacket:  you are dressed to be seen while doing something you don’t really want to be seen doing.  If it isn’t too awfully cold, consider taking off the yellow jacket while you’re incognito.  Otherwise you might as well get yourself a blinking neon sign that says “Look at me!”  Although for some of us, a glowing white butt has the same effect.

Dogs: nothing says “Look over here!” like a dog running and barking – and that’s the best-case scenario. I will leave the worst-case scenario up to your imagination.

One last thing…when you see THE perfect spot, don’t pass it by and think “I can hold it!”  Because if you can’t, you may find yourself trying to be quick in a less than perfect spot, kicking yourself for not taking advantage of that lost opportunity as a pickup truck rumbles by (yes, that one is from personal experience.  Coming soon in a future post – “the runner’s wave: when is it not appropriate?”).

So, fellow small-bladdered rural runners, what have I failed to mention?  Leave your tips, suggestions – and if you’re feeling braver than the other runners I have consulted with – stories in the comments!