“You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” ~Dr. Seuss
Okay, so maybe this isn’t what the good Doctor had in mind when he wrote those lines, but this has happened to most, if not all, runners at one point or another. Whether it’s an issue of digestive proportions, or perhaps just a case of having that last glass of water too close to departing, you’re part way through a run and you just can’t wait any longer – you have to stop to go to the bathroom.
Now, urban runners are at a bit of an advantage here – there is almost always a washroom on the next block – be it a coffee shop, a gas station or (Heaven forbid!) a church – and someone sympathetic enough to allow you to use it. But for us rural runners, finding a civilized place to squat isn’t always possible.
Personally, I have only ever been forced to stop by overactive kidney issues, but as a woman, it hardly matters which way you’re going, it’s hard to be discrete. Add to that the fact that you’re dressed with the express purpose of being seen, and it becomes even more challenging.
While I admire the runners who can say, “whatever, it’s a fact of life!” (exhibit A, Paula Radcliffe; exhibit B, Reid Coolsaet), I can’t count myself among them.
So in an attempt to aid runners not as experienced with rural life, I have gathered together some tips on how to take care of business on the back roads, assembled from many discussions with runners (none of whom wanted to be named here –go figure).
Oh! The places you’ll go!
Ditches: a deep ditch seems like a great place to duck into to avoid being seen by drivers. However, caution is advised – think about how long you’ve already been running, how much your legs might seize up when you stop, and how likely it is that you will be able to climb back out of said-ditch. Don’t forget to look the other way too – just because a ditch is lower than the road doesn’t mean it won’t have a clear line of sight from the kitchen window of that farm house.
Deciduous forests: at this time of year, the foliage might be rather thin. This doesn’t make the forest a bad idea – you just may want to venture further from the roadside than you would in the summer. If you can find a tree to lean on, your quads might not seize up as badly. Bonus: if you find a tree with a low hanging branch, you will have something to grab to pull yourself back up in the event that those quads seize more than expected.
Coniferous forests: good coverage, so you won’t have to go as far from the road. However, keep in mind that pine needles are sharp – be sure to look carefully before choosing a spot. Also, they tend to have a lot of spiders.
Things to watch for
Poison Ivy: at this time of year it shouldn’t be that much of an issue; however, it is not worth the risk. Learn what it looks like. Stay far away from it.
Water, frost or ice: if you are slipping off into a ditch or forest, use caution to avoid the literal sense of the word.
That bright yellow jacket: you are dressed to be seen while doing something you don’t really want to be seen doing. If it isn’t too awfully cold, consider taking off the yellow jacket while you’re incognito. Otherwise you might as well get yourself a blinking neon sign that says “Look at me!” Although for some of us, a glowing white butt has the same effect.
Dogs: nothing says “Look over here!” like a dog running and barking – and that’s the best-case scenario. I will leave the worst-case scenario up to your imagination.
One last thing…when you see THE perfect spot, don’t pass it by and think “I can hold it!” Because if you can’t, you may find yourself trying to be quick in a less than perfect spot, kicking yourself for not taking advantage of that lost opportunity as a pickup truck rumbles by (yes, that one is from personal experience. Coming soon in a future post – “the runner’s wave: when is it not appropriate?”).
So, fellow small-bladdered rural runners, what have I failed to mention? Leave your tips, suggestions – and if you’re feeling braver than the other runners I have consulted with – stories in the comments!
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Karen, this post is hilarious. Love the Dr. Seuss quotes. I can’t say that I’ve been in this position per se but I’m lucky because the National Capital Commission scatters port-a-potties around the bike paths every summer. I’ve been saved by those on more than one occasion. Have never had to use the woods but my running buddy and I have sometimes strategized about this.
All good points! If you are running with a stroller, you can duck behind the stroller — it just looks like you are being an attentive parent and checking on your child.
About the poison ivy…make sure your shorts don’t brush against it because…well…when the shorts come in contact with your skin, you may get poison ivy.
Dana – I would think the port-a-potties would be awesome except for one thing…I went to use one in a park once, and when I opened the door there was this HUGE spider hanging on a web right across the opening. Let’s just say I didn’t have to go anymore. Although you make a good point – sometimes when rural houses are having renos done, you might find a port-a-potty in someone’s driveway that you can take advantage of!
Kathleen – yes, it’s true – in fact, if you see poison ivy at all, you should just move along. Seriously, there will never ever be a point where you have to go badly enough that it would be worth it.
It should be noted I am not speaking from first hand experience on that one…. When I was a kid I had a camp counsellor nicknamed Oakie. Apparently she got that nickname YEARS before that, when she had a personal encounter with poison oak, a friend of poison ivy. So yeah, not only will you be terribly uncomfortable after such an encounter, but you will never live it down. Ever. But luckily there are people like Oakie to teach us these things so we don’t have to learn *every* lesson the hard way!
only you could make a serious issue a thoughtful funny serious issue…thanks for cutting through all the crap …well done !!!