No Category selected Self Sabotage

    Self Sabotage

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    Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Truman Capote, John Barrymore, John Bonham, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Jack Kerouac, Bon Scott, Amy Winehouse, Hank Williams…

     

    Creative people throughout history have reached for the bottle to inspire them to write, act and sing. Alcohol has always been touted as an enabler of clever and imaginative thinking. A freer of inhibition, resulting in inspired discovery of thought.

     

    I am not a great historical writer, but I could use a bloody drink or six to get the creative juices flowing and produce some results. I put the pencil to the paper. I write a few sentences and then I scribble them out because it’s not funny enough or poignant enough or on topic enough. It’s just not good enough.

     

    This is a theme in my life when I am faced with success. I buckle under the pressure. I sabotage myself by becoming passive and unproductive. In the past, this would be the time for a bottle of wine to drown my fears of inadequacy. It has, however been established that this will not be my means of coping (somebody, please have a drink for me, and if many of you are reading this, maybe I will vicariously be having many drinks…red wine, please).

     

    Running has become my “go to” for release, for therapy and for distraction. It has even produced many moments of creativity. Clinging so tightly to running as a tool to keep me off the hooch has produced many positive side effects, including, strength, speed and endurance. I have improved to the heights of above average finish times when compared to other age groupers in my category. Running has saved me and given me hope for sustained alcohol recovery. It has allowed me a new way of coping with my demons (I imagine my demons as little grinning creatures drinking shots of tequila without the salt or the lemon, because, really, why bother with that, just get to the firewater).

     

    *WARNING: this is where it gets tricky and the following information may be harmful to some readers and may produce physical symptoms such as jaw dropping and heart break. Only those with strong mental fortitude and a capacity for disappointment should read on…

    Recall, if you will the earlier confession of self sabotage, and prepare to be disapointed…

     

    …I haven’t run but twice in the last four weeks! No running, no writing…I am sabotaging this blog contest and I am sabotaging my sobriety. I am messing with a good system here. I don’t know what to do to make myself understand that I deserve all of the success I create. It’s all within my reach, but I am about to just let it go out of habit and not knowing what else to do.

     

    I just need some belief in myself, some confidence, some inspiration, some validation… that doesn’t come in a brown bag or a case…

     

                                                                                                                                                                            …to be continued…maybe…hopefully

     (my apologies for the pathetic post…I’m struggling).

    9 COMMENTS

    1. Christa. You’ve fallen down. Get back up. You’ve found a thing that works. Keep going. Maybe just for today.

    2. I believe in you Christa! You can do it! You are a great person, with a unique talent of putting your thoughts to paper in an informative, humourous way! Keep up the good work! You are in my thoughts!

    3. “What lies behind us and what lied before us are small matters compared to what lies within us”. Ralph Waldo Emerson. Keep shining your beautiful light!

    4. The hardest things are worth working towards. Struggling is what you were doing before your courageous journey. There are always bumps in the road, just to remind you that you are human. Your journey is a life time, never over. Believe in yourself. You make all the difference in so many lives. I believe.

    5. Christa, I’ve been following your writing with much awe and respect. Your authenticity is a testament to your courage and it takes strength to do what you do and write what you write. I can only hope, pray and encourage you to face forward and take a step (or a run) in the right direction. You can do this.

    6. It takes a lot of bravery to be honest. I’m hoping this bravery gives you the strength you need right now. One day at a time.

    7. Christa. Part of your ability to succeed is that you keep trying. The only time one fails is when one just gives up. Running in the sunshine is easy. Running uphill in the dark is hard. Don’t look around you and say look what I haven’t done but look and see what you have done. For what ever reason the mind wants to make us feel unworthy, you are a person that matters. You feel, you think, you love, you hate, you worry yourself. Just be yourself. You might love that person as much as we all do. I have faith in you. You can do anything you put your soul into. You have done it before!

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